Separation anxiety in babies

Why it feels so intense – and how you can help your baby (and yourself) get through this phase more easily

Separation anxiety is a word you sometimes hear thrown around lightly, but for many parents, it feels anything but lighthearted. It can feel like every time you get up—even if it's just to go to the bathroom—your little one panics.

You feel the tugging on your leg, the sadness, the tension in that tiny body. And let's be honest: sometimes it breaks your heart too.

That's why I want to start with this: you're doing great . Your baby isn't "too dependent." You're making the world safe.

When does separation anxiety occur?

Separation anxiety often peaks around:

• 8–10 months
• 14–18 months

But it can occur from 4 months to about 4 years . How intense and how long it lasts varies from child to child—and that says nothing about how you parent.

What's happening in your baby's brain?

Your baby is gradually learning that you continue to exist, even when you're not in the picture. This object is called permanence —an important milestone and a sign of secure attachment .

But… understanding that you exist isn't the same as being able to imagine it. And that's where the problem lies.

Your baby feels something like this:

• “I know you're there…”
• “…but I can't see you, so maybe you're gone.”

This can cause your baby to suddenly:

• cry harder when you walk away
• want to follow you everywhere
• react angrily or upset when leaving or going to bed
• Recognize your departure by small signals (sleeping bag, lights out, door you open)

This isn't stubbornness or "difficult behavior." It's biology. A baby borrows your nervous system to regulate—without you, everything feels bigger and more exciting.

Why does it feel so hard for parents?

Every time your baby cries for you, it feels like a little alarm in both your bodies. You're constantly trying to navigate between:

• take care of yourself
• be there for your baby every second

And that's intense. Day in, day out.

That's why I want to gently lay this sentence on you: your baby reacts this way because you are their safe haven. Not because you're doing anything wrong.

How can you help your baby with separation anxiety?

Below you'll find all the practical tips from my previous blog, expanded and expanded upon. Take what works for you and leave the rest. You know your child best.

1. Play peek-a-boo (yes, really)

It might be the most famous game in the world, but neurologically it's pure magic. Peekaboo teaches your baby that:

• something that is gone,
• can also come back again.

You'll playfully build object permanence and, in turn, trust. Laughter and learning go hand in hand.

2. Practice short, planned moments of “getting away”

Start very small, from a place of calm and not from a place of haste.

For example, you can:

• Go to another room for 10–20 seconds and let your baby play in the playpen or crib
• even grab the laundry or get something from the kitchen

Then, come back clearly and reconnect. This way, your baby learns, "If I think I'm losing you for a moment, you'll come back."

From there, you can build it up very gradually, for example by having a trusted person babysit for a short time while you go shopping.

3. Don't sneak away

Many parents leave when their baby is asleep or distracted. They do this out of love: they want to spare your baby the heartache.

But for a baby, it can feel like this: "I was asleep... and suddenly you were gone. Can you just disappear?"

This can actually cause more anxiety and panic . Babies whose parents leave during a nap often become extremely panicked when they wake up. They don't understand where Mom or Dad is.

By always saying goodbye to your baby and making sure they see you leave, you're actually instilling trust. Try to keep the goodbye light, but clear: it's okay that you're gone for a while, and you'll be back.

4. Create a short farewell ritual

Just like with sleeping, a ritual provides a sense of security when saying goodbye. By doing roughly the same thing every time, it becomes predictable for your baby.

For example, a farewell ritual could look like this:

• a hug
• a kiss
• “I love you, I'll come back”
• wave and then turn around and go

Keep the goodbye short (so don't keep returning when your baby is struggling). The more often you return, the less clear the message becomes.

5. Stay as calm as possible yourself

Your baby will emulate you. If you struggle with saying goodbye, take a long time, or become emotional yourself, your baby will learn from that.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't feel any emotions, but try to remain calm and clear during the farewell itself: smile, make eye contact, say you'll be back.

When you say goodbye in a calm and cheerful manner, your baby learns: “It's okay that you're gone for a while, I'm safe here.”

6. Acknowledge your baby's feelings and reassure him

Your baby isn't being "difficult"; they're having a hard time. Crying is their way of saying, "I'm nervous about this, I need you."

For example, you can say:

"I understand you're not happy about me leaving, but I really have to go now. I love you, and I'll be back as soon as I can."

Your baby doesn't have to stop crying immediately to be understood. Simply acknowledging their feelings has a regulating effect on their nervous system.

7. Maintain a sleep routine

Just like a farewell ritual, a consistent sleep routine provides stability. By following roughly the same steps each time, your baby can prepare for going to sleep and not seeing you for a while.

For example, a sleep routine could consist of:

• quietly go to the bedroom together
• change diaper and put on pajamas
• sleeping bag on
• a short cuddle and a fixed phrase, such as "sleep well, I'm close by"

The predictability of these steps provides a sense of security and helps your baby get through this phase more easily.

8. Spend time in your baby's bedroom during the day

Some children get upset the moment you step into their room, because that room is only associated with being “left alone.”

You can change this association by also using the room during the day for nice, everyday things:

• to decorate
• change
• playing together
• just chat or sing

For example, you can put your baby in their crib with some toys while you're doing something in the same room (folding clothes, tidying a closet). This way, they'll get used to their crib and the idea that they can be there while you're not right next to them, but still nearby.

9. Don't make major changes to the routine

When your baby is going through a developmental leap, sleep transition, or separation anxiety phase, their system is extra sensitive. It's especially important to stick with what they know.

Major changes, such as suddenly sleeping in his bed or starting to only let him fall asleep using a new method, may help in the short term, but often make it more difficult in the long term.

Sometimes parents stay by their child's side for years, for example, because they've just entered such a difficult phase. So try to stick to your existing routine as much as possible now.

10. Make sure you have a plan

When you can't get your baby to sleep and you're exhausted, it's understandable that you'll try "everything." But all those isolated attempts often just make you feel even more anxious.

A clear sleep plan can provide guidance. It helps you make consistent choices step by step, so your baby knows what to expect. And just as importantly, so do you.

What if you find it hard yourself?

This part is often forgotten when it comes to separation anxiety: your feelings. Those times when you just want to take a quick shower, grab a coffee, or go to the bathroom alone, only to be pulled back by that little cry.

It's okay if you find this difficult sometimes. You're no less loving, no less patient, and certainly not a "bad parent" if your mind feels overwhelmed sometimes.

The most beautiful sentence I often give parents is this: “You can stand next to your baby and next to yourself.”

You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be there. And you already are, every single day.

When does separation anxiety decrease?

Separation anxiety usually diminishes gradually between 12 and 18 months , although it can sometimes return in small waves during toddlerhood. Consider periods of:

• to be ill
• new babysitter or daycare
• move or other major change

One thing doesn't change: your safe presence continues to make all the difference. Your child learns, time and again, that you will return.

Finally, you are the mountaintop

Separation anxiety can sometimes feel like a storm for your baby. Waves of tension, tears, and panic when you disappear from view.

You are the person your child feels safe with: secure, warm, familiar.

And mothers/fathers also need to rest sometimes. It's okay to find this difficult. It's okay to breathe, cry, laugh, and start over. Every day.

Your baby doesn't grow despite you, but because of you .